Reading back through my posts so far, it strikes me that God has not given me the peace he has for me. And that may be my fault. I like everything fast and stimulating. It keeps the fear away. Fears of doom, perhaps. Fear of something I can't even name. Maybe I'm just running from letting go of myself. Running with myself away from humility.
I like my Bible and Bible study fast and stimulating too. I'd like to drink Red Bull and study the Bible. Mental activity. I am impatient for the next good thing. That seems like some form of possession. Possessed by an insecure need for worldly gratification that alleviates my fear that I am imminently doomed.
What it really comes down to is whether I believe the Bible is true. Do I believe Jesus? Do I really believe in heaven? My priorities don't demonstrate that I do. My priorities say it's all up to me. I'm not sure what is blocking me from the next step in faith.
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