Love One Another: My Problem With Most Christians

   34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” -  John 13:34-35 (NIV)

I am really really bad at this. I'm not sure I love everyone at church more than I love other people. And generally, I've always found other Christians intimidating, as if somehow they are real Christians and I'm not. Somehow they are better at it than me, or they have more of the Holy Spirit.

It's hard for me to separate my long time feeling of being an outsider from this. Even the title of this blog reflects my sense that I am different. My cousin has been an admirable Christian- she did mission trips to Cuba, for example. She says I'm not weird. I have always felt weird and sort of enjoyed being weird.

I identified with the Breakfast Club kids. I was a Revenge of the Nerd. My favorite band was Asia, or King Crimson, or Plaid Retina - something weird. But more than that, in every group, I found a way to be different. I don't know why- I've always done it.

In AA I learned about terminal uniqueness- if you think you're different, you won't do the steps and you will die of alcoholism. I became similar enough to do them but once I did them, I felt different from the people who stayed sober and did not emphasize the steps. Always differentness, conflict, alienation, discomfort. This is why I stay home a lot.

I have a wife who is older and sick. We adopted a dog no one wanted. We have a friend who is elderly, her friends are all dying, and she was considering suicide. I am smarter than most people (IQ at least 145 or 150). I've read more books than most groups of ten people. Even in my field, I can do more than 99% of my peers. I am definitely an exception. So it is hard for me to be part of most groups. I haven't learned how to do it. It means in most groups I cannot feel heard. They don't understand me. They misunderstand me by stereotyping me. I'm a genius and I can't understand myself, so of course I'll be unhappy with their conclusions.

I've done a lot of introspection, self examination, and prayer. I am open to losing my weirdness- or is it part of God's gift in me? Unless I am struck suddenly "normal" by the Spirit, incremental change here will take years. I've become more normal by becoming good at business and in dealing with clients. I've become weirder by doing comedy and improv.

So how do I love other Christians? I go to most churches and find only one good thing- they're either good at sermons, or music, or welcoming new people, or small groups. Maybe two of those. But never all of them.

I need Christians who accept differentness, who want to know me, who want to know more about God's word, who are are open, smart, and also fundamentally true to the Word. Where do I find them? Or do I go somewhere and create that myself? I am leaning toward the latter because I haven't found that at the six or eight churches I've looked.