Love One Another: My Problem With Most Christians

   34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” -  John 13:34-35 (NIV)

I am really really bad at this. I'm not sure I love everyone at church more than I love other people. And generally, I've always found other Christians intimidating, as if somehow they are real Christians and I'm not. Somehow they are better at it than me, or they have more of the Holy Spirit.

It's hard for me to separate my long time feeling of being an outsider from this. Even the title of this blog reflects my sense that I am different. My cousin has been an admirable Christian- she did mission trips to Cuba, for example. She says I'm not weird. I have always felt weird and sort of enjoyed being weird.

I identified with the Breakfast Club kids. I was a Revenge of the Nerd. My favorite band was Asia, or King Crimson, or Plaid Retina - something weird. But more than that, in every group, I found a way to be different. I don't know why- I've always done it.

In AA I learned about terminal uniqueness- if you think you're different, you won't do the steps and you will die of alcoholism. I became similar enough to do them but once I did them, I felt different from the people who stayed sober and did not emphasize the steps. Always differentness, conflict, alienation, discomfort. This is why I stay home a lot.

I have a wife who is older and sick. We adopted a dog no one wanted. We have a friend who is elderly, her friends are all dying, and she was considering suicide. I am smarter than most people (IQ at least 145 or 150). I've read more books than most groups of ten people. Even in my field, I can do more than 99% of my peers. I am definitely an exception. So it is hard for me to be part of most groups. I haven't learned how to do it. It means in most groups I cannot feel heard. They don't understand me. They misunderstand me by stereotyping me. I'm a genius and I can't understand myself, so of course I'll be unhappy with their conclusions.

I've done a lot of introspection, self examination, and prayer. I am open to losing my weirdness- or is it part of God's gift in me? Unless I am struck suddenly "normal" by the Spirit, incremental change here will take years. I've become more normal by becoming good at business and in dealing with clients. I've become weirder by doing comedy and improv.

So how do I love other Christians? I go to most churches and find only one good thing- they're either good at sermons, or music, or welcoming new people, or small groups. Maybe two of those. But never all of them.

I need Christians who accept differentness, who want to know me, who want to know more about God's word, who are are open, smart, and also fundamentally true to the Word. Where do I find them? Or do I go somewhere and create that myself? I am leaning toward the latter because I haven't found that at the six or eight churches I've looked.

What Makes Me A Weird Christian

I've always felt like a weirdo. I was short and shy and bullied as a kid. I was too smart, too ADD, too creative, and too curious. I didn't like team sports.

Unfortunately, I've continued that everywhere I've gone. The rebel, the punk, the outsider. Somehow I feel like an outsider in every group I try to join. It's probably my own fault. I hold back.

Church has been no different. My wife has been a career woman and we don't have kids. I actually like to study the Bible and debate it so we can arrive at the Truth. This alienates us from many Christians. The normal Christian I've observed is like this:

• Married.
• Husband works, is quiet, doesn't study the Bible.
• Wife is focused on family and kids.
• They tend to be unquestioningly conservative in their politics
• War is American and therefore Christian. Everything that is cherry pie American is considered Christian, from country music to the military to the NFL.
• Time at Church is limited, worship is constrained and polite.
• Of course, I'm talking about white people, because I am white, and Churches are incredibly segregated. From what I hear of black churches, there is a lot more joy and emotion in both worship and community, and the Church experience takes many hours more.

Here's why the average Church doesn't work for me:

• I love good sermons, but I find more variety online and on the radio. If I need more than one sermon a week, I can't get it from one church.
• I love worshop music, but I am a musician so my ear seizes upon mistakes and becomes critical- it's hard for me to worship when the band sucks. I have been in a worship band in the past (as the guitarist), but I found myself focusing on the music, not on Jesus, which did not feel like worship. So I have trouble worshipping through music in any form at church services.
• I love a Bible Study where people are open-minded and inquisitive, but most people are not big readers, have little background in literary searching, have no experience in intellectual debate and discussion- in other words, usually only the pastor and I are talking and everyone else is silent. Many people are uncomfortable with critical debate (which is not antagonistic or negative, but simply asks hard questions and looks at multiple viewpoints, evidence, etc.). People who are lost or confused by this kind of discussion view me as really smart or just difficult. I feel different. As a result, these groups don't feed my desire to know the Lord more through the Bible and I'm forced to study alone.

Add to this that for a church to work, both my wife and I have to want to go and be involved.

• The church my wife liked the most didn't have a Bible Study that fed me. They had a men's group in which most men were silent and one man with pastoral aspirations but unfortunately not a lot of academic or intellectual skill talked about 70% of the time and said a few things that were ridiculous, but most of the group didn't know any better and I was new and didn't want to look difficult by arguing with him.
• The church I liked the most had killer music and great sermons, but was filled with a lot of old ladies whose sense of smell has diminished, so they put too much perfume on and don't realize it, and my wife who is more sensitive health-wise spent every service trying not to sneeze and feeling horrible for hours afterward.

As a result, I've given up on trying churches, because I've lost faith that any church will work for us.

Still, I think there must be other weirdoes like us- career wives, couples with no kids, intellectuals- and I wish there was a place for us, or I could create one.